www.xanga.com/lolita_esque

au revoir lj

Dearest 19,

you have served me well the past year. They say in this lifetime there will be passerbys in your life, and you have been one, but now it's time to say goodbye forever. I say this with much difficulty and sadness, but parting is inevitable. I wish you and me could be forever, eternity. Always.

But time waits for no man, and neither can you wait for me anymore. I reluctantly embrace a new friend called adulthood, and teenhood is no more. The youthful years have slipped by, silently and quietly just like that, and to my horror it's been marked with nothing significant, just many anecdotes of mischief making.

Youth has come and gone, and now it's too late to make any amends. I wish we could all remain forever young, and  that there would always be a place and time for mistakes and nonsense, but with age you lose such privilege, and this is no more. 

I want to achieve something, but I have yet to in 19 years. With 20 I wonder if i'll finally be on the path to accomplishment, or would i languish in the ways of the young. 

Teenhood is gone, and I'm now in the place to say "oh when i was once young..." It never occured to me that one day I wouldn't be a teen anymore, and the realisation is horrifying to say the least.

hello 20.be good to me.

for every piece of me that wants you,
another piece backs away

dear reader,

have you ever felt as though you've moved on to another phase,but people, people who've been with you almost half your life, are still stuck back somewhere, and that in some way you are ready to shake it off and move on, but half-heartedly stay for the sake of friendship and memories forged long ago?

i'm at this phase.

perhaps i've changed, or perhaps they've changed, maybe it's both ways. but too often i find myself wanting to cut it off and move on, and i find my nerves rattled and jangled constantly.

but what saddens me this trip home is that while i realise i would, and constantly am putting an arm and a leg out for my bestest and dearest friends, they wouldn't do the same for me.  so i'm ready to leave, except that i'm foolishly sentimental and i'm in no way confrontational, so that makes me a sappy and easy pushover.

oh well.

im back in my hometown!

things haven't been going too well. i come home and find out my dog is dead for one - hello he's been dead for a year and my parents didn't deign to tell me for fear i'll want to throw some grande funeral la dee dum, and everyone's been sucking my bank account dry -read: birthdays. what the hell. i don't even get ANYTHING for my birthday, and when i mean anything it also includes a BIRTHDAY CARD. no one actually bothers or remembers (great yes i'm totally unpopular thank you), HOWEVER, when their birthdays come around they appear and hover and remind you and then sap your bank account dry. 

but anyway i'm grateful to be back, and i'm still travelling as incessantly as ever. and to add to that i want that bottega dress that's in the ads.

hmm.

i'm so dead.

i just cleaned up my room, and to my horror i DO have tons of clothes, and ALOT of it not worn. so i thought i'd bring a good load back home- my amnesiac brain tells me i probably moved my entire wardrobe here,so i shall move it back and leave it to rot until the next time i go back and then brandish them for wear.

except that i'm going to shanghai and so i cannot bring anything, because my mother says so- my luggage space is for her to shop. and i already have 40 kg allowance. 

i think its because i've had 2 cargo shipments of clothes- i'm fully guilty of having too many new clothes but sticking to the same old few that i wear to death. i ALWAYS forget what i have. im too lazy to search so i lament that i have nothing to wear, to my mother's alarm and she takes off to japan and HK to buy new stuff for me, which RESULTS IN TODAY'S CATASROPHE.

at last count i had 22 pairs of shoes- ,10 scarves,10 hats, 6 ear mufflers, 55 tops,20 jackets and you get the drift. how did it get to such stages in 9 months?!

there will be no more amassing of clothes after this- everything i buy will be left in singapore. it's a pity to dress nicely here anyway-it's not appreciated.

shock and guilt eats me, dear god i even have brand new pajamas (viktor&rolf,hello kitty etc) that i haven't worn! 

this puts a dark stormy cloud over my impending tour-the amount of clothes i have yet to wear just appalls even me, i dont feel like i have any need for new clothes anymore.

but wait till you get to the makeup and toiletries section. i have 10 bottles of shampoo,5 bottles of day moisturiser(kiehl's!), 6 bottles of night ones( la mer ,SKII), 4 bottles of body moisturisers(kiehl's!),5 bottles of perfume(bvlgari rose,tommy girl,versace bright crystal,dioraddict2,bvlgari jasmin,and J.Lo but thats crap so it's not counted i use it as toilet spray),the whole line of the MAC barbie series (packaging, packaging),every colour of the guerlain meteorites,15 bottles of foundation..........

i shoved everything out of sight. out of sight, out of mind, so hopefully it will work until tomorrow when i pack up and then i shall just forget and go wild with dad's credit card.

and now i'm relaxing with my new annemarie borlind masque-it smells heavenly-must.become.new.night.ritual, and this mindless post shall serve as my stocktaking post so i'll remember exactly how excessive i am, and that i'll have to eventually throw everything away when i leave so i should stop amassing because it's heartbreak when you throw pretty stuff away.

success!

i have studied 2 hours today and inherently made a whole load of progress on the theory front,and i managed to translate back and forth so im almost done with 2 modules, now for the last one and i'm set for finals.

mmm asia here i come! shanghainese xiaolongbaozi and congested polluted streets,testtube shots,HK dianxin and causeway bay,singapore food food food and friends,thailand smiles and tuk tuks,ooh 27 more days and im outta here for a good load of time!

first i have to survive tonight-huge party going on at our secret underground enclave at home and it took alot of willpower to stay and study even when hallmates started knocking on my door. the noise is deafening even when i live on the 4th floor,and the crowd is so huge that its taken up the entire underground area,the 1st floor,and the 2 outdoor gardens AND the walkways to all the buildings. plus we even have port-a-loos so you can guess how huge a party this is. i feel deathly ill just from the noise-woe is my sensitive musician ears.

i went out with the intention to buy something good for myself to reward my hard labour in exchange for pretty good performance grades.something along the lines of super cute prada ballet flatters.

i ended up with nothing for myself. zegna recipient, you better be happy with what i bought!

tomorrow's the day. i'm f/kin nervous- i really have to nail it, and i don't think there is any other option. i'm on these pills to calm my nerves, but it seems to only give me a headache- i dont know if i'm just plain tired or if it's the pills.i seem to take pills for everything now, from those for nerves, to sleeping ones. no wonder the pharmacist is insisting i have to go to the doctor because he's afraid i'm addicted.

life is deathly, absolutely lame. today was a waste of time- i really have things to do like practise for tomorrow, but no i have to be there because it's another exam,although of no importance to me. to add insult to injury i had to wear the most disgusting outfit ever- chanel signature colours were required and i dont own anything past knee length. and i had to improvise since i dont have anything adhering to the dress code which meant i ended up wearing my hermes equestrian riding shirt, with a poofy tulle black gown over it, and some black ballet flats and a lace bow in my hair. in short i looked like alice in wonderland,monochrome edition.

tomorrow, tomorrow i will charge in and i will own it. even if i die doing so, i don't have any other way out.

die love die;

i finally got my ass up at 8 am (who the hell is awake at such hours?) and paid my bills. and i bought breakfast so i could eat at 3pm.clap on the back. baby steps, baby steps. 

tiesto,justin timberlake,gwen stefani,nine inch nails make for a very busy summer. 

veering off course dad's agreed to let me buy a few balenciagas so i think i'll get one in black,purple,some shade of green and perhaps also a red. :) must go to pharmacy and buy more crap. i hate european pharmacies- they are stocked with all kinds of potions and pills and creams that promise you great skin/hair/internal organs naturally with plant extracts and french spring water. and i really love the name, apothecary- it sounds harry potter-ish and magical. 

i can't wait for my apartment to be constructed! i'm getting all motherly just thinking of the design in my room- abit of alexander mcqueen skull, black,rebel punk or laura ashley girlish dream?

luxurious like egyptian cotton;

dear daddy.

i cannot say merci beaucoup enough. for giving me a crazy/beautiful life, schooling in paris vienna shanghai singapore, my luxurious new place with the kickass cinema screenroom and sauna, vacations anywhere i want,and the cold hard cash that makes me look like a badass gangsta because your daughter is underaged and can't have a card, and unable to deal with bills.

my love is expensive.

but most importantly, thank you for letting me go.